RAPE OF THE BLACK GOLD

NMA Strike and the Crisis in Nigeria’s Health Sector by Agwaza Maxwell Dagba

INTRODUCTION

After trying hard to avoid putting pen to paper to express the bottled up emotions inside me, a news item on a national TV station has finally pushed me over the edge to try to explain to whosoever cares to listen, the reasons why the NMA is on strike, and why there should be public agitation in favour of it. In the said news item, members of the public are yet to understand the reason for the strike. For the avoidance of doubt, I am a medical doctor and I write from a possibly biased point of view. As you go through this article, you may discover areas where I agree or disagree with the issues raised by my mother association. But while I do that, I will try to be as reasonable and dispassionate as possible.

I do not believe that strikes should be the handle by which the Nigerian government turns, such that it is impossible to press home the demand of a labour union or group in this country without grabbing it. The feverish efforts used to approach an industrial action towards its end can be applied at the moment when there is a NOTICE of action. If this were the habit of those in government, perhaps the current NMA action and many others strikes by other bodies of workers before it would have been averted. My aversion to the use of strikes is even more amplified when it involves the truncation of flow of an essential service – be it power, health, transportation, security or other. The oath which I and my noble colleagues took reads in part, “I will practice my profession with conscience and dignity; the health of my patient will be my first consideration”. In all fairness, I want to say that inspite of the dearth of modern day equipment, dilapidated infrastructure and terrible working conditions, we are still struggling to live true to our promise.

Most doctors I know today work extra hours unpaid, donate to help patients obtain medications or pay bills, or go out of their way to perform “non-doctor” work just to make the patients well. The following two examples are true at least in the Jos University Teaching Hospital. Doctors run around the wards to pick up instruments and case notes (files) of patients, when many times the nurse is idle in the ward. Carrying files and getting all instuments required by a doctor on ward rounds should be a nurse’s responsibility, or at least she should direct her orderlies and substaff on what to do. In addition, she should make contributions, report relevant events which occured in the doctor’s absence, and take her own notes during the ward round. That is what our teachers tell us used to happen in the past. But alas, that is not the case. She sizes up the doctor first, to see his rank. If he or she is a house officer (the lowest cadre), he may just as well proceed without her. Afterall, she has a daughter at home that is older than this “small boy”. African megalomania at its worst. If the doctor is a Consultant(topmost grade), she may then gauge whether this doctor is the “friendly type” or the “difficult type”. Because for the difficult people, the rules have to be obeyed or else there will be trouble. This category of doctors is thus spared the pain of others. My second example, though recently corrected by a circular from management, is that doctors sometimes become porters, carrying blood samples and results to and from the laboratories. In the course of seeking for results in the laboratory, a doctor was recently slapped in the face by a laboratory staff, leading to the management response. While that malady lasted, excuses for the staff who were employed for that purpose ranged from “too few hands” to “engaged with something else” to “its not our job”! for want of space, I will leave other examples alone.

I hope this leaves no one in doubt that we do our jobs (and sometimes the jobs of others – just to make the system work)

Now to the issues.

WHO SHOULD HEAD A HOSPITAL?

Who should head a hospital? Of course, this kind of absurd question would not arise in a private hospital. As we know it, the law in Nigeria requires registration with the Medical and Dental Council of Nigeria (MDCN) and up-to-date payment of Annual Practicing fees for an individual to set up a private hospital. I carefully choose the word “hospital” because Nigeria has an endless number of appelations for both health facilities and slaughter houses. And the nigerian public is so misled that there is now no distinction between hospital, pharmacy, clinic, dispensary, nursing home, patent medicine seller, and a community health officer’s spare bedroom. All manner of attrocities are committed – there are consulting rooms in pharmacies, theatres in nursing homes, abortion facilities in dispensaries, and operating rooms on people’s dining tables. The mess is so mad that everybody who has ever witnessed the administration of an intravenous drug or watched an appendectomy is now fully “medically qualified”. So the criminals who do these things, due to the ineptitude of law enforcement, now see themselves as equal to all others who have licences to practice professionally. And a handsome majority of perpetrators of these acts are the other health professionals and allied health professions.

The problem as I have stated, cannot arise in Private hospitals. It is in the public institutions, where salaries do not depend on how much work is done, but on how much the institution receives from the “national cake”. Not on how much training we have received, but on how many years we have been sleeping at the office. Not on our individual skills and interests, but on how many pieces of possibly fraudulent paper are found in our credential file. For if these attributes were to be sought by our employer, we would never have arguments for how much we should receive. Or who should be in charge. Regrettably, however, our employer is an object that neither has a head or a brain. It cannot reason and thus cannot make any reasonable judgment. Our employer is the black gold that runs beneath the land and waters of the Niger Delta and other parts of southern Nigeria. Our employer is crude oil – our birthright and ticket to laziness, our excuse for brazen corruption, and our foundation for mediocrity and lack of desire for development. And to tell the truth, I secretly pray sometimes that the oil would just dry up, if only to induce sanity into our country. For if this employer were reasonable, it would ask why there should be a difference between the private hospital (which performs its duties and makes a profit) and a government institution which is just a black hole into which money is sunk, neither getting profit nor benefitting the masses for which it was built.

The law setting up teaching hospitals specifies that to become the CMD, a person has to have a basic medical degree (here meaning Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery) and have become a consultant, owning a fellowship of one of the Postgraduate medical Colleges, as well as a few other requirements. This is one of the cardinal disputes of today.

Let me introduce the Joint Health Sector Unions (JOHESU), an amalgam of Labour Unions formed a few years ago and basically including all other staff except Medical Doctors. Even to a blind and deaf person, this is an association of strange bedfellows. Pharmacists, Nurses and laboratory Scientists alone would have made some sense. But add Administrative staff, accountants, medical records staff and it starts to get confusing. When you finally integrate cleaners, porters and other junior staff into the mix, it tells what the only object of such a hydra-headed conspiracy could be – the extermination of the disciples of Hippocrates.

JOHESU seeks for appointment of CMDs to be “made open to all competent and qualified health professionals”. The arguments for them are that this is done in some parts of the world, that their members also have medical knowledge, and that it would promote equity and fairness. On face value, these seem to be reasonable and genuine demands. And central to our response has been one issue – training. Apart from medical doctors, other health professionals attend university courses based on the semester system in Nigeria (let us leave out those who have sub-degree programmes for now – they know themselves). Apart from the Pharmacists, who do 10 semesters, most other professionals spend 8 semesters. Two of these semesters however are spent doing basic science, which is essentially same across board. So in effect, pharmacists spend eight semesters and other six, preparing for working life. Now doctors also do the same basic science, with higher credit unit loads than most others. After the first year, however, the difference in training time is incredible. The semester system for the doctor is over. The remaining five years of training are basically without holidays. When there are breaks, they last between 2 and 3 weeks, usually after exams - and in the University of Jos, for example, there are just three major examinations beside continuous assessments, which are regular. So on the generous side, a medical student has perhaps nine to twelve weeks of official breaks out of five years. That is an incredible four-and-a-half years of training. Compare that with six semesters of four months each, totalling 24 months or 2 years. Or for the Pharmacist, eight semesters of four months, which would be two years and eight months. The amount of knowledge difference is surely massive.

Asides that, the doctor is schooled in EVERY aspect of HUMAN medicine – and in appreciable depth. What the other professionals are schooled in, as far as it pertains directly to human medicine, we also learn. So what then is the doctor’s advantage as a chief executive? A doctor has a wider scope of training and is equipped to understand the entire workings of a hospital as it relates to patient care. Thus if a lab scientist, pharmacist, nurse or other health professional for example, speaks to a doctor CEO about the needs of his department or problems they are having, the doctor would fully comprehend. If a pharmacist were giving the same information to a lab scientist, however, the situation would be different. This wide scope of training and central role also has a bearing on decision making for the best possible allocation of resources and manpower, enabling the hospital to run smoothly for the good of the patients. That is why a career engineer would most likely be the head of a construction firm and not a welder or bricklayer, even if they all had PhDs. A lawyer would be the head in the courtroom, whether the clerk has a thorough knowledge of court procedure, court rulings and how to decide cases or not. Its simple logic.

Where people start to argue about whether doctors are trained in management, my answer is that other health professionals are generally no different in that respect. Seeking for “fairness” and “equity” and trying to avoid things being “skewed” has absolutely no bearing in an industry whose objective is to preserve human life. This is not sports or entertainment or tourism, where ignorance and mistakes can be condoned. Any managerial mistake in a hospital can lead to loss of life, which is irreplaceable. And for the records, recent studies in the UK have shown that doctors head very few hospitals in that country, but most of the top 100 performing hospitals are among those headed by doctors. That kind of evidence based argument in a sane society can have no reply. The document regulating the tertiary hospitals in Nigeria has said the doctor should be the head. Since the status quo has not been deemed a failure by the government, it should remain. It is pertinent to add here that the clamour for the interpretation of the phrase “medically qualified” by JOHESU is part of the ploy to co-opt their members into the league of persons entitled to apply for CMD in the tertiary institutions in the country. To be mild, this loophole seeking is simply childish. For if medically qualified were to be a general term for any diploma (certificate) related to medicine, the makers of the law would not have added a postgraduate fellowship, which is peculiar to doctors, to the list of requirements.

APPOINTMENT OF DIRECTORS AND THE POST OF DEPUTY CHAIRMAN, MEDICAL ADVISORY COMMITTEE (DCMAC)

Like I mentioned earlier, we live in a ludicrous society. There is little respect for order, and people appear to be more at home with anarchy than sanity. Let’s go back to the structure of a teaching hospital. There are three directors in a teaching hospital – Director of Administration (DA), Head of Clinical Services (HOCS, also known as Chairman, Medical Advisory Committe - CMAC), and the Chief Medical Director, who is the Chief Executive. The DA handles purely administrative matters, while the CMAC handles issues related to patient care. The CMD, of course, is their superior and serves as the CEO. This ensures that patient care is not sacrificed on the altar of administrative issues and vice versa. There are assistant directors in areas such as nursing, finance, works, and so on. This creates a visible chain if command within the hospital. The yearning of JOHESU is that their members be promoted to Director Cadre within the hospital setting. Knowing the Nigeria we live in, no director will be answerable to another within the same ministry or agency. A director, as far as I know, is only answerable to a permanent secretary. Now unless the titles of the CMD, DA and CMAC are changed, what will become of the hospitals when we have, say, 100 other “Directors” walking the corridors of the teaching hospital? And if you make all the CMDs in Nigeria permanent secretaries today, what will become of the Ministry of Health? For surely, such permanent secretaries will only report to the Minister! And how many ministers can we have at once?

This whole debacle is directly related to the quest for salary increase, if u ask me. How many other government institutions have a hundred Directors within them as will be the case if this request is granted? Now the irony of it is that if this policy is approved, many doctors would also proceed to become directors. But our question is this – what benefit does it add to the system? None! And what does it take away? First, increased wage bills for the government. Secondly, increased anarchy in a system that is already bastardised by unprofessionalism. Thirdly, many “directors” will abscond from their duty posts since they would now be too big to sit in a clinic, laboratory, pharmacy or hospital ward. And who would bear the brunt of it all? Our dear old black oil. Raped, plundered and wasted, but still faithful. Nothing can be more senseless. If people wish to pursue an increasein pay, they are free to do so. But for Pete’s sake, let there be order in the hospital!

On the appointment of DCMACs, JOHESU would simply not hear of it. Their argument is that it is unlawful; possibly because it is not written out in the document that created teaching/tertiary hospitals in the country. But they forget to add that there are circulars from the government that support the creation of the office. Also, the law gives the boards of the teaching hospitals powers to take measures that ensure the smooth running of the hospitals, and these appointments are made by the boards! The job of the CMAC is indeed a tasking one and like every other Director in the civil service, he/she should have deputies to help with functions. I think that is simple enough.

SKIPPING OF GRADE LEVEL 12

The Ministry of Health has issued a circular stating that contrary to what was hitherto obtained, where all other staff of the Ministry skipped a grade level at some point in their careers except doctors, we should also be included. Though the Ministry is still in court over the legality or otherwise of skipping, it is only fair that all members of the family enjoy what our father, the Federal Government, has brought home from his hunting adventures. Abi the oil money don finish? Na on top our head una wan talk say the money no go reach again? Lai lai!. I don’t believe this should be a matter of contention. What is good for the geese is also good for the gander.

THE TITLE OF CONSULTANT AND THE QUEST FOR SPECIALIST ALLOWANCE AND TEACHING ALLOWANCE

Every person and profession has the right to determine how the career progression goes. To that extent, I do not have any grouse whatsoever with people attaining Consultant status in their field. But as the saying goes, things are not always what they seem. This point will require a little of history. Before the nineties, the health system in Nigeria was a lot more organised. There were clearly defined roles for each group of health personnell, and the salary scales truly represented relativity, which is the difference in take-home pay that should exist due to differences in training, skills and input to patient care. Gradually, the unions agitated for more and more increases, more allowances, and so on. But there was a problem lurking. For while the other unions (now grouped as JOHESU) fought and battled the Military governments for pay rise after pay rise, the doctors “kept their cool” and “were more concerned with the good of the patients”. Of course in Nigeria, the loudest person gets heard first. So gradually, the gap between the salary of the doctor and the other professionals closed up. At a point, there was barely any difference. In 2008, after many years of struggle, the government approved a new salary scale for doctors which, though flawed, was meant to correct the relativity between professions. As part of that document, there was an allowance for medical and dental consultants tagged “specialist allowance”. That is the source of the problem. In a quest to get more allowances, the term “Consultant” has suddenly crept into the vocabulary of the other professions, notably Nursing and Pharmacy, of which I will make examples. They perhaps have heard that there are “Nurse Consultants” and Consultant Pharmacists” in other climes. The question is, WHAT ARE THE ROLES OF THESE CONSULTANTS IN THOSE COUNTRIES, AND WHAT ARE THE QUALIFICATIONS REQUIRED TO ATTAIN SUCH STATUS?

According to the UK’s National Health Service website, a Nurse consultant “is a specialist in a particular field of healthcare... and spends at least half of her time working directly with patients, and in addition develops personal practice, is involved in research, and contributes to the education, training and development of other nurses”. To become a nurse consultant, a basic nursing degree is required, as well as a master’s degree in nursing, health services or administration, or public health, with working experience. Some even add that one requires a PhD or at least should be working towards getting one. There are other nurse consultants who may not work with patients but give advice to law firms on medical cases (e.g. malpractice cases) they have in court. The latter type of nurse consultant surely does not fit into our teaching hospitals, but the former may.

Most definitions of a Consultant Pharmacist describe him/her as one involved in the care of the elderly or people in nursing homes, where he reviews their medications. Infact, the history of Consultant Pharmacy actually began in homes for the elderly. Other sources describe the job as having to do with “advanced roles in patient care, research and education”. Even in these countries where the title is mentioned, it appears to be a new and evolving role rather than an established position that has relevance to patient care. Requirements include a Pharm D degree, interest and experience. Some articles I came across also require a Master’s degree in pharmacy. In the absence of proper guidelines and laid down procedure for such appointments, as well as regulatory or accrediting agencies, my view is that caution be exercised in adopting this relatively new terminologies into a developing country’s health system.

The issue of Consultant status is where I may differ slightly from the NMA’s position. Let anybody become a consultant of whatever profession he wants to, as long as there are stipulated procedures for doing so. The caveat is that as far as patient care is concerned, the Medical/Dental Consultant acting directly or through his lieutenant, is the only person to give directives about the patient’s care. To cut it short, being a consultant in any other field of healthcare should not give a person the right to change, obstruct or delay the implementation of a doctor’s management plan. The roles of such specialists should be merely advisory.

On the part of the Government, they can go on and appoint as many consultants as they want –, Nurse Consultant, Consultant Pharmacist, Consultant Physiotherapist, Consultant Optometrist, Consultant Radiographer, Consultant Cleaner, Consultant Porter, Consultant Gateman, Consultant Accountant and Consultant Administrator. Kai, even start having Consultant visitors. Afterall, the Niger delta oil is a whore, and her patrons are endless. Just one more defilement won’t do much harm. Then the next, and the next.

Let me conclude this section with a comment on the issue of teaching and specialist allowances. With the difference in knowledge between a house officer and nurse, the house officer surely does teach them a few things... if the person involved is humble enough. The point is that these guys also teach medical students, nurses and other personnell. Finally, everyone in the Health sector now wants to receive a specialist allowance and teaching allowance. Infact, some optometrists on the CONHESS salary structure now receive specialist allowances from the CONMESS salary structure. Only in Nigeria can such brazen effrontery be seen. One person, being paid on two contrasting salary scales. Well I will leave that to the public to judge, but if without additional training a lab scientist, pharmacist, optometrist or nurse wants to be called a specialist and receive allowances, the gander are also ready. The spree has only begun.

RELATIVITY IN THE HEALTH SECTOR

Now many that are outside the health sector may be confused about this. But to put it simply, the healthcare system revolves around a TEAM. In every team all players are important and perhaps indispensible, but there is always a captain or a leader. Usually the coach will choose a captain either based on current form, or based on age, or based on experience, or based on number of years spent in the team. In medical circles this leadership role, albeit traditional, was foisted on the doctor because of qualities including being central to patient care, perfect understanding of both normal and abnormal body function, understanding of the development of diseease and different options for curing or relieving it, and a general scope of the different areas of human medicine. As is seen in every normal salary structure, the more the training, the higher the pay. That is why a secondary school leaver and a university graduate are not put on the same grade level when they are employed. Even among graduates, those of engineering, law and pharmacy are paid higher than others. Doctors (medical and veterinary) are paid still higher. This is the concept of relativity, put simply.

However in the Nigerian health sector, this rule has been and is being continually thrown to the winds. Some nurses without university degrees earn higher than pharmacists and doctors. From being started out on step 4 of the grade level as used to be the case, House officers are now started on step 2. Reasons? None! Like stated earlier, this is the result of the failure of doctors to use strikes to press home their demands, choosing negotiations instead. The only time when we got heard was during the strikes that introduced the Consolodated Medical Salary Scale (CONMESS) in 2008/2009. And in that document, there were fundamental flaws. For as you moved higher up the scale, your salary seemed to be stagnant. The creators of that document cleverly made the calculations such that a promotion added almost nothing to your total emoluments. This led to a call by the NMA for a new salary structure that makes the effect of promotion better, and government is “still looking into it”. Realising its “mistake”, government issued a circular on the 3rd of January 2014, correcting the anomalies in CONMESS. Take note that this was not NMA’s demand, but even the implementation of the government’s own response to the problem has taken six months. Not a single kobo has been released to that effect. But since we are a breed that has a genetic aberration which has foisted limitless patience on us, JOHESU will have the public believe that we are unreasonable.

One funny tweet I read this morning from @bilquees_01 under the ‪#‎nmastrike‬ read, “a duke mutum a hana shi kuka”. It is in hausa and means “to beat up someone and prevent him from crying”. This perfectly describes NMA’s situation in Nigeria. We are squeezed in on every side, pressured, ambushed and bashed, but the rule is “Thou shalt not complain”. Each time there is an industrial action, you see sudden movement from the house of representatives, senate, presidency, and the so called “well meaning nigerians”. As soon as we retreat to work to observe the situation, all agreements become unbearable burdens for the government. JOHESU rushes off to introduce another variable to unbalance the equation. But thou, o physician, shalt not talk. For it is you alone that has moral obligation to the sick of the world. Arrant rubbish!

HAZARD ALLOWANCE, RURAL POSTING AND OTHER ALLOWANCES

Let me start with the hazard allowance. I will simply ask a question here to any member of the public. Is five thousand naira (about 28 USD or 18 GBP) enough compensation for any of the following risks to your life (and by extension, the life of your immediate family) every single day? People coughing into your face; blood splashing onto your clothes, skin, eyes and mouth; handling human faeces, urine, flesh and other fluids; working with razors, knives and needles around patients with highly infective conditions (HIV, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, Lassa Fever, Tuberculosis and others)?

If anyone would say yes to the question, or argue that they are more exposed to these dangers than the Doctor or Nurse, let them come out. I will stop at that.

When an official of the Federal Ministry of Health (FMOH) travels from Abuja to Portharcourt and spends the night, he gets paid for the inconvenience. But a doctor POSTED to a rural setting away from family and civilisation needs to go on strike to get a circular saying that he should be paid his due. For if that is not done, he may get his money, or a quarter of it. Or nothing.

There is God o!

CONCLUSION

The current crisis in the Nigerian Health sector is essentially borne out of Government’s non-affirmativeness in handling issues related to clear definition of roles, lack of a global salary structure that takes into account training, skills and competencies, and the toleration of disrespect for laws and circulars of government. This is further worsened by its lack of implementation of agreements and slow response to threats of industrial action across the country.

Doctors, as part of the solutions to this quagmire, have advocated for the signing into law of the National Health Bill as passed by the Senate of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. This will resolve SOME of the problems.

Secondly, a global structure for salaries and wages in the health sector, based on the points stated in paragraph 1 of this conclusion, is key to putting a stop to the impending collapse of the health sector. That action should be based on practices in advanced nations of the world who we aspire to be like. Copying some things related to relativity from the UK’s NHS would be a good start. After that, any further pay rise for staff in the health sector should be done en masse to maintain the relativity across board. This alone will bring lasting peace.

A permanent resolution of these crises thus still lies at the feet of Mr President and his advisers and committees.

I will bow out with a comment on the oath we took, which I quoted earlier. That oath, called the Hippocratic oath and disputably assumed to have originated from Hippocrates, never envisioned that a time would come when a physician (here referring also to a surgeon) would be an employee of the state or work in conditions so terrible that he/she would consider withdrawing services to enforce his rights and those of his patients. Hippocrates never thought that the family atmosphere that existed in all the homes he visited to see patients would condense into vampiric institutions where lieutenents would challenge his leadership and seek to take his place at the head of the team. If he had, he would perhaps have added an escape clause.

For there is no longer any dignity in this practice; and our patients suffer everyday on account of all this back and forth over the same issues. Definitely, some of these problems I have dicussed are at the very heart of the matter, and others are thrown into the fray as a response to the frustration that engulfs us in the moment. But for our conscience to remain and our patients to enjoy the benefits of the doctor’s indepth knowledge and training, the atmosphere has to be right. That is what NMA is standing for today.

Having gone through some of the hard facts in this article, and perhaps having been inspired by my emotive tone, I hope that more members of the public will come to agree that the current strike, apart from seeking to correct some anomalies in the health sector, will ultimately lead to greater good for the primary object of existence of the medical profession – the patient.

Agwaza Maxwell Dagba writes from Jos, Nigeria

The End Of An Assignment By Tim Newman

Saw this online and thought I'd share/save. Dude was on point allllll the way! Sadly too :(



The End Of An Assignment
Okay, so now I’ve got a post about Melbourne out of the way it’s time for me to say a little something about Nigeria. With the exception of a week in October when I need to clear out my apartment, I’ve pretty much left Nigeria. My assignment there officially finished on 31st July, although I will have to return for business trips over the course of the next 3 years because the project I am on in Melbourne is for Nigeria.
Somebody once said that there is much to write about Russia, but when one tries you can never find the words to write the first line. Nigeria is much the same, and indeed there are many similarities between the two countries.
I have tried to describe Nigeria to people who have never been there, and failed on most occasions. A colleague of mine stopped telling people back home about the place because he was getting a reputation as somewhat of a bullshitter, even though he didn’t exaggerate anything. I was at a seminar in Paris some time ago and I was describing the working life in Nigeria to a group of Frenchmen. One of them quipped that I was exaggerating and that “it couldn’t be that bad”, which prompted another Frenchman, sitting beside me, to nudge me in the ribs and remark“wait until he does his Nigerian assignment”. He was based in Port Harcourt.
Nigeria has a reputation, and I knew about it before I arrived. Most of what I’d heard proved to be completely true. Almost all of it, in fact. To get a general picture of Nigeria, just read the news, and you’ll not be far wrong. It isn’t a place like Russia, the US, or France which surprise visitors when they see the contrast between what they’ve imagined (based on exposure to their tourists or foreign policy) and the individuals they encounter. But beyond the general picture, there are some subtleties worth mentioning.
It’s first important to understand that degree is as important as form. Russians, faced with criticism of corruption in their country, often retort that corruption is found everywhere, even in the UK. Which is true, but in many countries it does not infest every authority, office, and institute like it does in Russia. It is the degree, or extent, of corruption which makes Russia different from the UK, not the form. Understanding this concept is important in describing Nigeria.
There is no getting away from the fact that corruption in Nigeria has infested almost every aspect of life, work, and society. I can’t think of a single area where I didn’t encounter a scam of some sort. Some of them were pretty normal – policemen hassling motorists for bribes, for example – with others being less common elsewhere. Filling brand named alcohol bottles with local hooch was widespread practice. Not so bad in itself, but these were being sold through supposedly legitimate suppliers and turning up in established bars. Others were unique to Nigeria. I knew a guy in charge of oil shipments for a foreign oil company who received a call from somebody in the authorities saying he was not going to release the multi-million dollar cargo until somebody had bought his cousin $10 worth of phone credit. My acquaintance found himself going to the shop, buying a phone card, and handing it over to some scruffy bloke who showed up at his office in order to allow his crude oil out of the country.
The corruption, theft, and graft can take many forms: falsifying a CV (I don’t mean enhancing, I mean pretending you’re a Lead Piping Engineer of 12 years experience when actually, until yesterday, you were a fisherman); selling positions in a company; stealing diesel from the storage tanks you’re paid to protect; issuance of false material certificates; impersonating an immigration officer to access an office, from which you then tap up the people within to fund your latest venture; selling land which isn’t yours; deliberately running down the country’s refining capacity in order to partake in the lucrative import of fuels; falsifying delivery notes of said refined fuels in order to receive greater government subsidies; deliberately restricting the country’s power generation capacity in order to benefit from the importation of generators (which must be run on imported fuel); theft of half-eaten sandwiches and opened drink containers from the office fridge; tinkering with fuel gauges at petrol stations to sell customers short; conspiring with company drivers to issue false receipts indicating more fuel was supplied than actually was; supplying counterfeit safety equipment; falsifying certificates related to professional competence (e.g. rope access work); paying employees less than stipulated in their contract (or not at all); cloning satellite TV cards, meaning the legitimate user gets their service cut off when the other card is in use (the cards are cloned by the same people who issue the genuine cards); the list is literally endless. There is no beginning or end to corruption in Nigeria, it is a permanent fixture.
Nepotism is rife: family members are employed and promoted before anyone else. Outright theft is rife: from a pen lying on a desk, to billions from the state coffers. Dishonesty is rife: from the state governors to the street urchin, lying to enrich yourself is the norm. You name the scam, it is being done in Nigeria. Eventually, nothing surprises you.
As I said before, you’ll find such practices everywhere, but to nowhere near the extent found in Nigeria.
Apparently it wasn’t always like this. There was a time, probably from around the 1970s to 1990s, when Nigeria had a reasonably diverse economy. Besides the oil and gas, they had agriculture, manufacturing and assembly (Peugeot set up an assembly plant in Nigeria in the mid-1970s), brewing (there is a both a Guinness and a Heineken brewery), refining, construction, and pharmaceuticals. Some of these survive today. There were decent universities, and students wishing to graduate had to apply themselves. Security wasn’t much of a concern to the average citizen.
I don’t know the details, but at some point in the 1990s one of the military dictators decided to flood the place with oil money in order to buy support. This had the effect of drowning every other form of enterprise and ensuring that oil and gas was the only game in town. This is bad in itself, but by no means unique to Nigeria. What was worse is that this quickly instilled a mentality across Nigeria that there was a lot of money up for grabs, and getting your hands on it wasn’t in any way related to honest efforts or applying yourself to something constructive. Nigeria became a place where if you’re not getting your hands on some of the oil money, either directly or indirectly, then you’re going nowhere. With oil money washing over the whole country like a tidal wave, soon everyone was trying to secure their own piece of the action, using fair means or foul. Imagine throwing a huge box of sweets into a playgroup shouting “Grab what you can!”, and the chaos that ensues will be similar to what happened to Nigeria on a national scale.
At least, this is what I gather happened – I may be wrong – but for sure, the current situation reflects what I’ve described. The economy is funded almost exclusively from oil and gas revenues, and everything else is merely feeding off that. The new hotels in Lagos, the growth of capital city of Abuja, the importation of luxury goods, the Audi and Porsche dealerships, the sky-rocketting real estate prices, the money earmarked for infrastructure projects, the increase in flight passengers, all of it is directly or indirectly linked to the oil money. Okay, maybe there is some hyperbole in there. Agriculture still makes up the lion’s share of GDP, and the services sector is booming. Advertising is a big industry in Lagos, although the most common thing you see advertised is advertising space. But nobody is going to get anywhere herding cattle, picking pineapples, or working in a sawmill. Even the owners won’t be earning that much, not if that’s their only income. There is very little opportunity to get rich, or even advance, unless you are somehow connected to the supply of oil money.

One of the results of this national free-for-all is the formation of groups, societies, associations, and unions whose raison d’être is to obtain as much money and benefits for their members as possible. This isn’t much different from Europe in respect of trade unions, but groups and subgroups form at micro-levels with sometimes comical precision. The Lagos Association of Road Maintenance Engineers, Roundabout and Lay-by Division, 4th Department. The Nigerian Association of Water Truck Drivers, Lagos Chapter. Membership of one or more of these associations is both essential and compulsory: essential because an individual would get trampled very quickly in the general melee of Nigeria, and compulsory in the sense that you have almost no chance of being allowed to quietly ply your trade without paying dues to some group or other. It’s not clear what the legal standing of a lot of these groups is, but it’s often hard to tell how they differ from a standard extortion racket. One of the most powerful unions in Lagos, the transport union, used to shake down any okada (motorcycle taxi) driver passing through their checkpoints, claiming the money was used “to protect them from the police”. I doubt the money was used in such a manner, but people do need protection from the police in Lagos. Not that the okada drivers had any say in the matter: membership was automatic, and the union muscle would beat any non-compliant driver or confiscate his vehicle. The power of the oil and gas workers unions is legendary, ensuring their members enjoy pay and benefits which are the highest of any local staff in the world, and often outstrip those of the expatriates.
This in itself might not be so damaging, but ubiquitous to all competing factions is a rapacity the likes of which I doubt can be found anywhere else on such a scale. There is a culture so prevalent that it is a defining characteristic of Nigeria whereby no amount is ever enough, and no sum too small to be pilfered. There comes a point in the career of most people who have gotten rich, either legitimately or otherwise, where they stop chasing the small stuff and are only interested in adding to their pile if the increase will be substantial. The police chief of a sizeable Thai resort town has his fingers in many pies, but he’s not interested in shaking down street vendors. His minions might in order to supplement their salaries, but generally once the boss has his cut of most of the action, he’s not interested in sweeping up every last baht. As a result, commerce can continue relatively unmolested. The same is roughly true amongst the Sheikhs of the Middle East. Bung the Crown Prince a few million for the contract, and he’ll allow the project activities to go ahead pretty freely. He’s not interested in making an extra $10k by insisting you hire his brother’s lorry fleet to transport the gravel. Such restraint may also be practical: the dodgy official in the UK isn’t going to be interested taking pennies if he risks getting fired or going to jail, he’ll have a minimum price he’ll work for.
But Nigeria has the same problem I saw in Russia: an almost pathological insistence of securing for yourself 100% of everything that is available, and not a kopek or kobo less. I have observed before that Russians would rather have 100% of nothing than 50% of something, and the same is true – but on a far greater scale – in Nigeria. The inequality in Nigeria is horrific. The middle-classes are tiny, those who are neither stinking rich nor mired in poverty. As it happens, most of the Nigerians I worked with fell into this category: lucky enough to have well-paying jobs, but not ordering Porsche Cayennes for each family member. Statistically, almost all Nigerians are dirt poor. A very few are stinking rich. Again, a manageable problem in itself, but the rich haven’t finished yet. Indeed, they’re only just getting started. I spoke to a couple of Angolans in a seminar once, and they said that although their ruling classes had enriched themselves immeasurably, they were at least spending some money on the country, and improvements were noticeable. The reason the Russians accept with a shrug the silovikihelping themselves to millions is because they (rightly) feel this is inevitable and – more importantly – life is actually improving in Russia and has been doing so since they came to power. Sure, it’s a slow improvement and life is still hard, but they are at least moving in the right direction (for how long is a discussion for another post). There have been improvements in infrastructure in Russia, the new Sheremetovo airport to name one example.
By contrast – and I challenge any Nigerian reading this to disagree – there have been no discernible improvements in Nigeria in the past decade (outside of Abuja, where all the politicians happen to live). The infrastructure is crumbling, electricity shortages abound, Lagos airport is a national disgrace, project after project gets sanctioned but rarely started, never mind completed, before the funds disappear, and unemployment is rocketing. I heard somewhere that 2m people are added to the workforce every year in Nigeria. To do what, exactly? There are no jobs. One source of employment for young men was to drive okadas, until they abruptly got banned in Lagos last year. The roads are now much better, but you now have tens of thousands of young men with no source of income and no hope for a job. Since the ban came into effect, crime – robberies, car-jackings, burglaries – have increased by an order of magnitude, even in the rich neighbourhoods of Lagos previously thought to be safe. It’s not difficult to see why.
Meanwhile, Nigerian senators – of whom there are 109 – enjoy an official package worth $1.5m per year, which they recently requested to be increased to $2.2m per year. By contrast, the US President gets an annual salary of $400k. Given the unofficial incomes of a Nigerian senator through graft and backhanders is probably 3-5 times that, we can probably estimate most of these guys are taking home something in the order of $4-5m each year. Yet they put in for a 46% increase, in a country where 45% of the population lives beneath the poverty line. This is hardly surprising for a group of politicians, and far from unique to Nigeria. The problem is, this behaviour is repeated through every strata of society from the very top of the government to the lowest street urchin: whatever is there, I want all of it; and I want more. I saw wealthy middle-class Nigerians move to ensure drivers did not enjoy a fringe benefit worth about $10 per week. If you threatened to report a low-level official for corruption, he would usually tremble with fear of his boss finding out: not because his boss shuns corruption, but because he will want to know why the proceeds of this particular scam haven’t been coming to him. We already had the example of a multi-million dollar oil cargo being held up until somebody’s relative received a kick-back worth $10. If any amount of new money arrives in the economy – due to a new oil project, for example – those who are already wealthy, via their societies, organisations, unions, and political connections will ensure 100% of that new money will go to them. Insofar as sharing and dividing the spoils goes, it is between groups who are already of the same wealth. If any trickles down to the next layer, it is almost by accident, and to be corrected at the first opportunity.
I came to the conclusion about 2 years into my assignment that Nigeria is probably the only genuinely classless society I have seen. Class is very different from wealth. Upper class people can be dirt poor (bankrupt dukes) and lower class people can be fabulously rich (Russian oligarchs). Class is about behaviour and attitudes, not wealth (a point made very well in Kate Fox’s excellent book Watching the English). And insofar as behaviour goes, I didn’t see a shred of difference between the top politicians, down through the officials in the national authorities, through the middle class professionals, through the service providers, right down to the area boys. The behaviour was identical across all strata: I want more money, and I will do absolutely anything to get it. If you were to replace the politicians – let’s say our 109 senators from before – with 109 random people from the Nigerian citizenry, you would get no change in behaviour. You could repeat the experiment a thousand times, and you would get no change. There is no ruling class in Nigeria, there is just a set of rulers. Where any change is expected to come from I don’t know.
I believe one of the root causes is the bizarre situation where being dishonest is not socially frowned upon. Not really, anyway. If somebody is caught with his hand in the till, he is not shunned by his peers. The whole situation is treated with utter indifference, and sometimes admiration (if the scam is particularly imaginative). Societal pressure plays an enormous role in shaping the behaviour of a population, probably more so than the brute force of the law, and whilst all Nigerians complain about the crime and dishonesty so prevalent in their country (it affects them far more than the expats), they remain utterly silent when a perpetrator is identified from within their peer group. At best, you’ll get a shrug and a statement to the effect of “that’s just how it is”. If you’re a Nigerian caught running a scam against your employer, your colleagues aren’t going to think any less of you.
In fact, the only behaviour I managed to identify which would cause a Nigerian to be shunned by his peers and made an outcast, is if he decided he wasn’t a believer and therefore wasn’t going to be showing up in church (or mosque) any more. I don’t think I met a single Nigerian who didn’t attend either church or mosque, and religion plays an enormous – possibly the key – role in Nigerian society. I’m not going to go into this topic, mainly because I’m not reflexively anti-religion, but I do suspect that a lot of Nigerians justify unsavoury behaviour during the week by going to church on Sunday and washing themselves of sin. In this respect, the place is very similar to the Gulf States.
Now a reminder of what I said at the beginning of this post. Degree matters. You will find every type of individual in Nigeria, including the kind, funny, generous, honest, and everything else that is good in a person. You’ll find lots of them too. I had the pleasure of working with some great individuals, who were genuinely skilled, could apply themselves, held positions on merit, and were extremely well-mannered and respectful. The team of Nigerians I managed was one of the nicest bunch of people you’d ever hope to meet, and easy to manage as well. (My theory is that engineers are often like this: if you’re bone-idle and want to earn money dishonestly, there are easier things to do than an engineering degree.) The problem these decent people have is that they are vastly outnumbered by those who are not. For every Nigerian who is honest, well-mannered, and diligent you’ll find a hundred whose only goal is to get some money whilst expending the minimum amount of effort possible. If they can use personal connections, lies, or trickery in lieu of learning a useful skill and applying it, they’ll take that option every time. It’s a numbers thing: if 50% of Nigerians were more like 10% of them, the country would be okay. And that’s the fundamental problem of Nigeria summed up in one sentence: way too many dickheads.
When I was bored in our morning meetings – which was on most days – I would canvas my team’s opinion on certain things, often the state of the country. They were by and large in despair. Nigerians are famously optimistic, but this is often through desperation. Nowhere was this better demonstrated than on the occasion when a bank put a Christmas tree up on a roundabout with “presents” at the bottom, and the next morning all the presents had been ripped open. If somebody thinks a box under a tree on a roundabout contains an X-Box, then you’ve gone way beyond optimism and into desperation or delusion.
My lads were a happy enough bunch – as Nigerians usually are – but had no hope of things getting better any time soon. I ventured the suggestion that a return to military dictatorship might be on the cards, and I got no objection. One of them explained that during the times of military dictatorship, it was only a handful of people at the top creaming off money. Now, with democracy, it’s tens of thousands. And during the military dictatorship, crime was much lower, and few had concerns about personal security. Democracy is all well and good, but I’ve often said that it is a means to an end, not an end in itself. I am sure the world will howl with outrage and impose sanctions should Nigeria undergo another military coup, but few can deny that democracy is failing to deliver peace, prosperity, and basic services to Nigeria. I remain far from convinced that many Nigerians would not welcome such an event.
So what did I think of my time in Nigeria? In truth, I didn’t like it, but not for the reasons you might think. The worst thing, by far, was not being able to go anywhere and do anything at the weekends. The security situation did not allow us to travel beyond a very restricted area of Lagos, and even if we could there wasn’t much to do. I like walking about with a camera, camping, exploring by going to a town and drinking lots, skiing, driving around, visiting people, riding a bike, and hill walking. There was no scope to do any of that in Lagos, for reasons usually related to security. That meant for weekend after weekend after weekend there was nothing to do but watch sport on TV, go to the gym, and lie by the pool. Those with families did whatever families do; the single guys went to bars and clubs and picked up Nigerians girls; guys like me – married, single status – didn’t do very much at all. I used the time well, learned French, read countless books, improved on the guitar, and got fit. Nigeria has excellent weather, and even better pineapples, but I would much rather have spent my time doing something else in another place.
Those restrictions were by far the worst aspect of my Nigerian assignment. Insofar as the daily life in Lagos went, with all its challenges, that was manageable. You get used to anything eventually, and at some point I was able to shrug off almost everything Nigeria had to throw at me. I never quite got used to the traffic, so used to plan my day to avoid the worst of it. Dealing with the Nigerians took some getting used to, a process that was eased considerably when I figured out they weren’t the most difficult factor to consider. There’s rarely any point in getting upset about locals anywhere, because they are the raw material you have to work with. If you go to Nigeria, you will have to work with Nigerians, so deal with it. Some aspects of it were frustrating no doubt, but what can I do? Nothing.
What infuriated me more was that some of the expats I encountered were hopelessly unqualified and too inexperienced to be there. Nigeria is a difficult place to attract talent to, and as such – like a lot of oil towns worldwide – those who end up coming are usually way below the standard that should be demanded. Unbelievably, incompetence and stupidity seem to be imported at great expense into Nigeria. This annoyed me considerably, as it did when I encountered a similar state of affairs in Sakhalin. If you are going to come into somebody else’s country on the basis that you have skills they don’t, you’d better make damned sure you have those skills and they are on full view. If I had a quid for every time I’ve seen somebody fail this basic test in the oil business, I could retire and bump yachts in Monaco with Roman Abramovich. I’m pretty sure I upset a few people in Nigeria, and maybe there were a few who didn’t want me there, but nobody could accuse me of not adding value. Nobody could point the finger at me and ask “Why, exactly, do we keep this guy?” If nobody else, the lads in my team didn’t mind me. I gave them direction, support, and cover and got somewhere close to the best out of them. What infuriated me more than anything was coming across a Nigerian with a reputation for being useless, and on further investigation learning that they’d never been given a job description, never been given any meaningful direction, had no understanding of the context of their job in the department or the department in the company, and had just been plonked at a desk and expected to do something. I came across this far more than I should have, and it pissed me off. Fair enough, if somebody is useless then call them useless; but first you have to give them every opportunity to succeed, and only then can you call them useless if they don’t perform. Hey, you could even call this practice management! There was a serious lack of it in Nigeria. How many half-decent Nigerians are shoved in the corner of an office and written off as useless in this manner I don’t know, but I’ll bet it’s a lot, and it does the place a serious disservice.
As final proof that I didn’t dislike the place that much, I signed up to another 3 years of involvement when I had the opportunity to get out away from Nigeria for good. I learned some things during my assignment in Lagos, and that knowledge is useful. I know Nigeria, and what it’s like to work with Nigerian companies and Nigerian people on a Nigerian project. A lot of people don’t. I’m used to it, it doesn’t hold any mystery or reason for fear as it did when I first arrived almost 3 years ago.
I’ll be back there at various points in the future, but honestly I hope I don’t have to live there permanently again for the reasons I stated. I don’t consider it 3 years wasted – far from it – and I didn’t hate it. There were moments, plenty of them, where I positively enjoyed it. And as assignments to Nigeria go, that’s not too bad.

Source: White Sun of The Desert HERE

My entry for the 'write right' competition on Tlsplace

I recently entered for a writing competition on a blog, tlsplace.wordpress.com by Tunde Leye (great writer if u ask me)and was selected as one of the top 5 entries by a group of judges. It was meant to be a continuation of a series he wrote called ''finding hubby''.
Voting is still on-going as at time of this post to determine the winner but I consider myself a winner already for being selected out of over 75 entries!
So here is the entry. Though I'll suggest you read 'finding hubby' if you haven't for most of this to make much sense.
To read finding hubby, click here.
Enjoy the piece.


Toke slumped into the chaise lounge.

The ups and downs were beginning to get to her.

Initially it was about all the ish she and hawt pastor got from his church members en route their small coded wedding because of her pregnancy. Then it was the weight of the pregnancy starting to take its toll. But Oyin came to the rescue 2 months ago when she came up with the idea of this trip to Zanzibar for Easter. Biola had jumped at the idea of this much needed break. So Toke, Biola, Oyin and Femi Tosh made the trip the Thursday before Easter and Gloria flew in to join them from the UK with her new found half caste bobo (gist for another day

Those five days at Zanzibar were bliss! Toke had never seen her husband so happy. He even got quite high one night when they downed several bottles of red wine while playing board games. Of course Toke had to excuse herself that night cause of her preggers state and left them chatting away like kids.

Oyin’s motto for the trip had been ‘get pregnant or die trying’ and get pregnant she did! Oyin had called her to lackadaisically inform her about this a few minutes ago while she was driving home. And just as she was about to start doing some mental flip-flops in response to the good news, she got another call which put her in her present depressed mood.

The call was from sister Boma. At least that’s what most people call her. Sister Boma is the next in line to her husband in church. She is one of those women whose dress sense is so 2013 yet she took church work so seriously thus leaving you with the impression that she’s getting good sex somewhere.

Toke answered the call and got a reply which was actually made up of about four sentences though it sounded like one. ‘Hello Toke. How are you doing? Please I need to discuss something with you urgently and your husband need not know about this please.’

Urgent and husband were the two words Toke needed so few minutes later she was sitting opposite sister Boma.

‘Your husband has been acting strangely lately and we fear it is beginning to affect his work here in church’. The serious look on sister Boma’s face was exactly like the blackberry smiley.

‘I sort of compiled the symptoms he’s exhibiting e.g. short attention span, blanking etc and looked it up on the internet and what I came up with is the reason why I invited you here today’. Ok, now, Toke was furious. Not with this woman for knowing so much about her husband but with herself for not noticing anything close to these in her hubby if they were truly there. She made a mental note of the former though. When all these clear, she will have to focus more on the relationship between her husband and this woman. Sister Boma must be checking him out to have noticed all these that she’s missed.

‘So everything might be pointing towards drug use’ she concluded and Toke’s heart did a cirque du soliel kind of back flip.

Sister Boma continued, ‘we in church find it hard to believe and we thought to discuss it with you in case you’ve noticed too’. ‘So, have you?’

It was either the shock or her inferred incompetence that drove Toke to speechlessness. ‘Thank you’ was all she could utter. Then she got up and left.

So here she was. In a trance on the chaise lounge till Biola arrived from work. Toke started monitoring him like a hunter studying a bushmeat. The signs were there! Not very obvious but there still. He was fidgeting! Then she asked him a question and after about 10seconds of staring into space, he looks up and says ‘uhn?’

Toke couldn’t sleep that night. And while she was keeping vigil, Biola suddenly got up from beside her and made for the toilet. A red light was flickering in her brain now. ‘Does he use at home??’ ‘Does he inject himself?’ ‘Where does he hide his stash?’

As she tiptoed towards the toilet door, she somehow suddenly noticed it. Biola’s phone wasn’t on the bedside table!! ‘So he was talking to someone in the loo’, she thought. She pressed her ear against the door and heard….

‘I’m the pastor of the church for goodness sake so we can’t let this get out’…..

‘I don’t subscribe to abortion either so please you will have to give birth to this child without anyone knowing that I am responsible’…

‘Yes I’m asking you to lie to your husband’. ‘Do we have a choice?’ ‘Remember my wife is…’

Enough heard! Toke slammed and opened the door like a robber and screamed, ‘do not cut that line!’ She was too late. Biola’s thumb was on the red button already.

‘Owkayyy! Man of God! You have impregnated another woman abi? I bet it’s someone in church abi? Church, church, church everyday. I should have known!’

‘It’s more complicated than you think my dear’. Let’s sit down and discuss this please’, Biola says.

‘Complicated my left bum! By the time I first find out who that bitch is, then me and my girls rain terror on her, and your name is all over every gossip blog, you will know how complicated this can be’. ‘Give me that phone!’

She snatched the phone out of his hand, hit the dial button twice, saw the caller ID that was dialing and let out a low chuckle.

That kind of chuckle that signifies confusion, rage and some more rage.

Rage because she knew this name. In fact, she talked with this person today.

More rage not just because her husband has impregnated this woman…..but because he most likely did it right under her nose…….

2 months ago………………. At Zanzibar!

‘Oyin has killed me’, she muttered…..and slumped.

The fun part of the Lagos doctors' saga

Ermmm.... Today, I'll like to talk about this saga going on between the lagos state doctors and the lagos state government. I'm sure those that know me (or have read my previous pieces) are wondering why I'll choose to ever discuss such a topic. You all know I'm a fun, fun-loving guy who will always rather have fun and always prefer to discuss something that only has a fun part to it. So, why this?
Trust me, I've found fun in a hopeless place :D (maybe I should change that to 'jobless place')

Now, the whole thing was actually not funny at all till I read a guys' tweet : "welcome to Nigeria, where we sack doctors and negotiate with terrorists". Sad as that sounds, I started ROTFL. Then I read a couple of pieces and broadcasts after that... the mathematical-statistical jargon (sorry, piece of info) purportedly published by MDCN, the NMA president's address, the medical guild president's address etc. Then the comedy dawned on me.

Let's start with the mathematics. 'Long thing' actually but the punchline of all the permutations is that minus the sacked 788, each state in Nigeria has about 61 registered doctors available to its population yet LASG claims to have employed 373 locum doctors. If you ask me I'll say they employed all the private practitioners in the state but hey, what can be realistically deduced from this is that LASG has decided to entrust the health of its citizens to either quacks or 'freshers' who are NOT fully registered to practice. You think that's deep? Naa. Here is the drama. A little bird told me LASG is offering 15k per day to each of the 373. I said impossible! Then a flock of birds cooed it again. Now this is the fun part. Let's imagine little bird is right. Gimme a sec to punch my calculator...... ...... ... . .......... Yep! So that means each of the 373 will get over 400k per month and since LASG has vowed to replace the sacked 788, eventually they will be paying over 400k to each of dem new employees right? Isn't that just hilarious? Cos I ask, 'how much is the total of the conmess that they claim they can't pay sef?'
Still on the 373. I wonder what will happen to them when BRF, the director of this comedy flick, decides to up the fun by re-employing the sacked 788. I hope they haven't quit their previous jobs.
Isn't it interesting (not hilarious this time around) that BRF has decided to take on the 373 as 'locum' doctors rather than offer them full time employment. What's his plan really? See how many people they will kill before giving them the full employment? Or is it just that this comedy director knows fully well that this mini series is going to culminate in the eventual re-employment of the sacked 788 hence no need to extend full employment to the 373. I pondered on the latter and this brought me to the next point.

In my short cognitive experience as a Nigerian, I've seen the government use this move on the people sooo many times that its perfected the move to the fullest. I wonder what code name they have for it in their secret chambers, I call it a very long medical term which I will spare you all and so for the purpose of this piece, let's call the move...... "call divert".
Best way to explain this is to act out the rest of this season to you so kindly follow me as I do so.
Lagos state Nigerian Medical Association (NMA) under the directive of the national NMA (who sees this as 'insult to one, insult to all')will throw its weight behind the lagos state medical guild and declare a statewide strike. Just to make the peeps of lagos and hence the LASG feel the pinch. Shortly before this happens or long after this happens (depending on how BRF is feeling this quarter of the year), a meeting will be called for dialogue between LASG and the very angry doctors. At the meeting the doctors will say, 'Before we yarn too much first, we want all doctors to return to work and be paid for all these weeks/months that we've been sitting at home'. Then BRF will give them a Leo Tunechi laughter and say 'Dudes, you were all sacked ni o! So, I can consider re-employing you guys but no pay for those days you were sitting at home o'! Then much angrier doctors will leave the meeting and go have a meeting with their elders who will tell them to chill and just take their jobs back.
At the next meeting, slightly calmer doctors will now tell BRF of how some very old and respected elders have told them to chill so they are now willing to discuss further. It is at this point that Jekyll BRF will switch to Hyde the comedy director again and say, 'So, I'm going to re-employ you guys but this time we're going to start afresh!'. The now slightly apprehensive doctors will have huge blackberry surprise smileys plastered on their faces when BRF now presents to them the new salary scheme for doctors by the state.
HOW???!!! ALUTA CONTINUA they shall scream. Outraged doctors will now storm out of the meeting and BACK TO STRIKE!!! YES!
Then one day in the not too far future, when outraged doctors are tired of sitting at home, tired of knowing which cartoon comes next on TV and tired of borrowing money for their children's school fees, they shall return to the round table for yet another meeting. They shall smile and say, 'Maybe we got off on a wrong note'. Then they will bargain/beg and arrive at a salary scheme which is probably just about 10-30k more than what they are earning now with plenty accompanying promises from the director.
Smiling doctors will then go on TV and radio and brag about how they fought the government to a deadlock and came out victorious while BRF and his boys will be chopping knuckle in his office and saying, "CONMESS ko, CONSHIT ni"
Thus, the government would have once again successfully diverted a fight by the people, in this case for conmess, to a fight for re-employment and the eventual birth of a new salary scheme.

CALL DIVERT!

Dear striking lagos state doctors, please don't fall for the above! But why do I waste my plea? If this doesn't play out, most likely something worse will.

So, the fun in this is endless! Not only can one guess what is going to happen, you can also almost guess correctly the comical way in which it will happen. Its almost like game of thrones minus the brilliant plot but plus some astounding amount of comedy.
As we all watch these fun parts come together, I conclude by saying: 'Welcome to Nigeria, where we are blessed with stupid leaders with a great sense of humor'

You taught me

My father taught me that education is probably the only thing a father owes a child. Any other thing is... well, just 'any other thing'.

My mother taught me that image is nothing, cleanliness is everything. She's right, cos I'm yet to cee a dirty rich man :) 

My brother taught me that silence...shhhhh, is the best answer, not violence.

My primary school heartthrob taught me that there's something for me in 'loveworld'. Cos before her, I was sooo sure there was nada for me.

My secondary school chemistry teacher taught me to be very careful in life. Cos she told me I have a very special gift, but she's seen many people fail inspite of their special gifts.

My friend Ope has taught me that friendship is all about having fun. So many times we gist and talk about serious stuff, but most times,..... we just have fun.

Yewande taught me that being nice can actually be limitless. Cos no matter what she's going through and what you do to her, she'll always be nice to you.

My first real love who is now married(not to me of course) with two children taught me all about REAL LOVE. My ex lover taught me that love is very CONDITIONAL and doesn't cee beyond all things. And my present lover, well.... She's just the bomb!!! ;)

Someone a long time ago taught me the difference between a kiss buddy and lover :)). I won't give any details but trust me, I'll never get it twisted again.

Love and other disasters taught me that love is actually a choice and not something you stumble onto and find. Now THAT makes perfect sense!!

Mark Zuckerberg taught me that it doesn't have to be your idea, just make it WORK, BELIEVE and FOLLOW THROUGH.

Robert Frost taught me that in life, its better to always take the road less travelled by. I adhere to this diligently, hence I rarely get stuck in traffic (hehehehe!!!). But seriously,... this has taught me to always dare to be different.... no wonder I always stand out ;)

Noone taught me how to make money..... Right now, I wish someone did.

Mr. J taught me.... Or let's just say he agreed with me that debt is better than liquidity. Since then I've started taking loans and never looked back and God knows I'm better off for it. :D

Dr. BK taught me to always do things the right way even if it'll kill me. Cos how can u ever go wrong when you are always doing right.

Tosyn Bucknor taught me to blog, and miss ayaba inspired me to blog again. If it weren't for them, you probably won't be reading the ink of my mind.

Pebbles has taught me nothing new..... But she's always a touch of sanity.... And that, is more important than any lesson I'll ever learn.

Lai has taught me that blood is not always thicker than water. Cos I think I'll do anything for that dude, simply because I believe he'll do same.

I taught myself to be the best at whatever I do. Be it laying my bed like my mum taught me or pulling out a tooth like my boss taught me. So, put me anywhere on God's own earth and I swear I'll triple my worth!

Life has taught me that you can't go on forever. So in as much as I'd like to mention what you've all taught me, I really have to stop now. But trust me, YOU TAUGHT ME something!....... Yes, YOU!

With this I say a very Happy birthday to me! 

Moment of my life so far, I'm still climbing...

and I thank God for everything.

Nobody knows it but Me

So here I am, 1.18 a.m december 31st 2010, awake and bloody pissed off!
(Damn! I almost made it through 2010 without having to think about this for once!)
So I wakeup to go take a leak and to get off my bed, I had to support my left leg with my hand. An action that would ordinarily mean nothing.
But right now it does...
Cos that sentence I read some hours ago is suddenly pasted in my head again!
Tears rush to my eyes but won't come out.
Words rush to my head but no one to listen.
So I turn to my laptop. I turn to the ink of my mind.
But then I paused. These words are not kind words and in my rage, they definitely will not come out well. Most importantly, I think I'll offend God. And inspite of all these, He's been very good to me.
So I turn to the words of my friend misstee in this wonderful piece titled "thisABILITY" (she must have been reading my mind when she wrote this)


In a crowd I am jostled
From right to left I hobble
A condition without remedy
A fixture in stand up comedy
The sound of the laughter
A contrast to my life's chapter
I swallow my misgivings
On bent legs I earn a living.

I long to be wanted
Appreciated
Celebrated
But with your eyes I'm castigated
Relegated
Rejected
Most times isolated
A price paid for a condition not I created.

Some days I snap. I cry. I curse.
I mourn the day my world went off course.
And when I'm done I mop it up.
I gather my wits.
Nose in the air, I stick it up.
I stretch, I search, I reach from within.
I look for a talent that is uniquely me.
I do my best knowing it may never be enough.
I do it still to prove my worth.
My push.
My driving force.
What you call disability
Heralds thisABILITY.

I must have read this piece a million times but my reaction is the same everytime I read it.
I feel like crying but still the tears won't come out!
"...I'm sad inside, and nobody knows it but me."

Just thinking

I'm thinking...
Thinking of nothing in particular.... Or maybe sumtin..
Like how did I get here? How did I suddenly become this person I am today?
Then my mind flips...and suddenly I remember this song babyface did for his friend named bobby..
Simple days...that's the title of the song.
What won't I give for those simple days?
When I had absolutely no worries.
When I had nothing on my mind but to eat, go to school....and probably eat again. Every other thing in between was inconsequential... Every other thing was nothing.
In those simple days, I didn't have to read to come first in class. Didn't have to think about my next meal and how it will come. Didn't have to bother about what tomorrow will bring.
Least I bothered about, was not having the latest nintendo! :D
Wow, those simple days were really simple times.
And its almost like I can palpate them right now...
Then suddenly suddenly!.....
Its like the world has turned on its head.
Responsibilities are being thrust upon you from all planes. You barely even have tym to think.
If its not the responsibilities at work, its about the future of your career.
If its not family(and I'm not even married yet), then its the fact that your not even married yet!.
I'm bothered about having so many recurrent expenses and as if I'm mad, I'm looking at adding a few more to the list!.
Now I have to read, read and read again just to pass. Lol, who cares about coming first in class?
I now care about world business and stocks.....
I even have to update my blog :(
Phew!!!
Well, I'm just thinking...

Then my mind does a backflip to last week.
Went with a company's driver to pick someone up from the airport. Then he gave us 100 dollars each.
And there I sat as the driver couldn't stop thanking me and God for the day.
The 100 dollars meant everything to him.
He was gonna pay his little debt, stock his house with some food and buy his little daughter that toy she so much deserves.
Best part for him is he was gonna do all these before his pay(which is just a little more than the amount he just received) comes at the end of the month!
Under my breath I said a little prayer, 'God, I know I'm not where I want to be yet and I keep disturbing You about this. But I thank You for where and who I am today'.....
Cos to me a 100 dollars could as well be another bottle of tequila at marquee on a friday night!
I looked at him again and I sat there thinking....

Then I find myself driving...
It feels like the same year cos my car stereo is blasting track 4 from M.I's latest album...
But every other thing seems different!
It feels like I'm driving on the autobahn.... but a road sign has an arrow pointing to ojuelegba...
This is definitely ikorodu road!
But there are no yellow buses... and EVERYONE is obeying the traffic lights!
On my right a vehicle just paused at a zebra crossing for pedestrians to cross....and ahead of me, lagosians are actually using the pedestrian foot bridges!
In my haze I pulled into a large parking lot.
Its a big mall but I can't quite see the name now.
I walk in and there are a lot of people waiting to be attended to. But something is funny here...
Everyone is nicely arranged on a queue. And... Is that the minister of health I see on a queue there??
Flustered, I turn to the warden at the mall and ask, 'what's todays date please'?
And he replies, 'oga, na december 2010 we dey nah!?'. 'Next week na christmas'.
It can't be!!!
I rush to the restroom, stared at myself in the mirror and said, 'wakeup bro! This must be a dream'!
I gave myself a brisk slap on the face....and I felt something wet. I brought my hand to my face and I see a tiny black speckle and some red fluid.

It didn't take me long to realise...

Tiny black speckle equals dead mosquitoe, red fluid equals mixture of my sweat n blood.

I look around and the scene is now more familiar...

I'm on my bed,....the year is truly 2010 cos there is no power as usual,..

...I've not been thinking...



I've been dreaming!!