Ermmm.... Today, I'll like to talk about this saga going on between the lagos state doctors and the lagos state government. I'm sure those that know me (or have read my previous pieces) are wondering why I'll choose to ever discuss such a topic. You all know I'm a fun, fun-loving guy who will always rather have fun and always prefer to discuss something that only has a fun part to it. So, why this?
Trust me, I've found fun in a hopeless place :D (maybe I should change that to 'jobless place')
Now, the whole thing was actually not funny at all till I read a guys' tweet : "welcome to Nigeria, where we sack doctors and negotiate with terrorists". Sad as that sounds, I started ROTFL. Then I read a couple of pieces and broadcasts after that... the mathematical-statistical jargon (sorry, piece of info) purportedly published by MDCN, the NMA president's address, the medical guild president's address etc. Then the comedy dawned on me.
Let's start with the mathematics. 'Long thing' actually but the punchline of all the permutations is that minus the sacked 788, each state in Nigeria has about 61 registered doctors available to its population yet LASG claims to have employed 373 locum doctors. If you ask me I'll say they employed all the private practitioners in the state but hey, what can be realistically deduced from this is that LASG has decided to entrust the health of its citizens to either quacks or 'freshers' who are NOT fully registered to practice. You think that's deep? Naa. Here is the drama. A little bird told me LASG is offering 15k per day to each of the 373. I said impossible! Then a flock of birds cooed it again. Now this is the fun part. Let's imagine little bird is right. Gimme a sec to punch my calculator...... ...... ... . .......... Yep! So that means each of the 373 will get over 400k per month and since LASG has vowed to replace the sacked 788, eventually they will be paying over 400k to each of dem new employees right? Isn't that just hilarious? Cos I ask, 'how much is the total of the conmess that they claim they can't pay sef?'
Still on the 373. I wonder what will happen to them when BRF, the director of this comedy flick, decides to up the fun by re-employing the sacked 788. I hope they haven't quit their previous jobs.
Isn't it interesting (not hilarious this time around) that BRF has decided to take on the 373 as 'locum' doctors rather than offer them full time employment. What's his plan really? See how many people they will kill before giving them the full employment? Or is it just that this comedy director knows fully well that this mini series is going to culminate in the eventual re-employment of the sacked 788 hence no need to extend full employment to the 373. I pondered on the latter and this brought me to the next point.
In my short cognitive experience as a Nigerian, I've seen the government use this move on the people sooo many times that its perfected the move to the fullest. I wonder what code name they have for it in their secret chambers, I call it a very long medical term which I will spare you all and so for the purpose of this piece, let's call the move...... "call divert".
Best way to explain this is to act out the rest of this season to you so kindly follow me as I do so.
Lagos state Nigerian Medical Association (NMA) under the directive of the national NMA (who sees this as 'insult to one, insult to all')will throw its weight behind the lagos state medical guild and declare a statewide strike. Just to make the peeps of lagos and hence the LASG feel the pinch. Shortly before this happens or long after this happens (depending on how BRF is feeling this quarter of the year), a meeting will be called for dialogue between LASG and the very angry doctors. At the meeting the doctors will say, 'Before we yarn too much first, we want all doctors to return to work and be paid for all these weeks/months that we've been sitting at home'. Then BRF will give them a Leo Tunechi laughter and say 'Dudes, you were all sacked ni o! So, I can consider re-employing you guys but no pay for those days you were sitting at home o'! Then much angrier doctors will leave the meeting and go have a meeting with their elders who will tell them to chill and just take their jobs back.
At the next meeting, slightly calmer doctors will now tell BRF of how some very old and respected elders have told them to chill so they are now willing to discuss further. It is at this point that Jekyll BRF will switch to Hyde the comedy director again and say, 'So, I'm going to re-employ you guys but this time we're going to start afresh!'. The now slightly apprehensive doctors will have huge blackberry surprise smileys plastered on their faces when BRF now presents to them the new salary scheme for doctors by the state.
HOW???!!! ALUTA CONTINUA they shall scream. Outraged doctors will now storm out of the meeting and BACK TO STRIKE!!! YES!
Then one day in the not too far future, when outraged doctors are tired of sitting at home, tired of knowing which cartoon comes next on TV and tired of borrowing money for their children's school fees, they shall return to the round table for yet another meeting. They shall smile and say, 'Maybe we got off on a wrong note'. Then they will bargain/beg and arrive at a salary scheme which is probably just about 10-30k more than what they are earning now with plenty accompanying promises from the director.
Smiling doctors will then go on TV and radio and brag about how they fought the government to a deadlock and came out victorious while BRF and his boys will be chopping knuckle in his office and saying, "CONMESS ko, CONSHIT ni"
Thus, the government would have once again successfully diverted a fight by the people, in this case for conmess, to a fight for re-employment and the eventual birth of a new salary scheme.
CALL DIVERT!
Dear striking lagos state doctors, please don't fall for the above! But why do I waste my plea? If this doesn't play out, most likely something worse will.
So, the fun in this is endless! Not only can one guess what is going to happen, you can also almost guess correctly the comical way in which it will happen. Its almost like game of thrones minus the brilliant plot but plus some astounding amount of comedy.
As we all watch these fun parts come together, I conclude by saying: 'Welcome to Nigeria, where we are blessed with stupid leaders with a great sense of humor'
