Nobody knows it but Me

So here I am, 1.18 a.m december 31st 2010, awake and bloody pissed off!
(Damn! I almost made it through 2010 without having to think about this for once!)
So I wakeup to go take a leak and to get off my bed, I had to support my left leg with my hand. An action that would ordinarily mean nothing.
But right now it does...
Cos that sentence I read some hours ago is suddenly pasted in my head again!
Tears rush to my eyes but won't come out.
Words rush to my head but no one to listen.
So I turn to my laptop. I turn to the ink of my mind.
But then I paused. These words are not kind words and in my rage, they definitely will not come out well. Most importantly, I think I'll offend God. And inspite of all these, He's been very good to me.
So I turn to the words of my friend misstee in this wonderful piece titled "thisABILITY" (she must have been reading my mind when she wrote this)


In a crowd I am jostled
From right to left I hobble
A condition without remedy
A fixture in stand up comedy
The sound of the laughter
A contrast to my life's chapter
I swallow my misgivings
On bent legs I earn a living.

I long to be wanted
Appreciated
Celebrated
But with your eyes I'm castigated
Relegated
Rejected
Most times isolated
A price paid for a condition not I created.

Some days I snap. I cry. I curse.
I mourn the day my world went off course.
And when I'm done I mop it up.
I gather my wits.
Nose in the air, I stick it up.
I stretch, I search, I reach from within.
I look for a talent that is uniquely me.
I do my best knowing it may never be enough.
I do it still to prove my worth.
My push.
My driving force.
What you call disability
Heralds thisABILITY.

I must have read this piece a million times but my reaction is the same everytime I read it.
I feel like crying but still the tears won't come out!
"...I'm sad inside, and nobody knows it but me."

Just thinking

I'm thinking...
Thinking of nothing in particular.... Or maybe sumtin..
Like how did I get here? How did I suddenly become this person I am today?
Then my mind flips...and suddenly I remember this song babyface did for his friend named bobby..
Simple days...that's the title of the song.
What won't I give for those simple days?
When I had absolutely no worries.
When I had nothing on my mind but to eat, go to school....and probably eat again. Every other thing in between was inconsequential... Every other thing was nothing.
In those simple days, I didn't have to read to come first in class. Didn't have to think about my next meal and how it will come. Didn't have to bother about what tomorrow will bring.
Least I bothered about, was not having the latest nintendo! :D
Wow, those simple days were really simple times.
And its almost like I can palpate them right now...
Then suddenly suddenly!.....
Its like the world has turned on its head.
Responsibilities are being thrust upon you from all planes. You barely even have tym to think.
If its not the responsibilities at work, its about the future of your career.
If its not family(and I'm not even married yet), then its the fact that your not even married yet!.
I'm bothered about having so many recurrent expenses and as if I'm mad, I'm looking at adding a few more to the list!.
Now I have to read, read and read again just to pass. Lol, who cares about coming first in class?
I now care about world business and stocks.....
I even have to update my blog :(
Phew!!!
Well, I'm just thinking...

Then my mind does a backflip to last week.
Went with a company's driver to pick someone up from the airport. Then he gave us 100 dollars each.
And there I sat as the driver couldn't stop thanking me and God for the day.
The 100 dollars meant everything to him.
He was gonna pay his little debt, stock his house with some food and buy his little daughter that toy she so much deserves.
Best part for him is he was gonna do all these before his pay(which is just a little more than the amount he just received) comes at the end of the month!
Under my breath I said a little prayer, 'God, I know I'm not where I want to be yet and I keep disturbing You about this. But I thank You for where and who I am today'.....
Cos to me a 100 dollars could as well be another bottle of tequila at marquee on a friday night!
I looked at him again and I sat there thinking....

Then I find myself driving...
It feels like the same year cos my car stereo is blasting track 4 from M.I's latest album...
But every other thing seems different!
It feels like I'm driving on the autobahn.... but a road sign has an arrow pointing to ojuelegba...
This is definitely ikorodu road!
But there are no yellow buses... and EVERYONE is obeying the traffic lights!
On my right a vehicle just paused at a zebra crossing for pedestrians to cross....and ahead of me, lagosians are actually using the pedestrian foot bridges!
In my haze I pulled into a large parking lot.
Its a big mall but I can't quite see the name now.
I walk in and there are a lot of people waiting to be attended to. But something is funny here...
Everyone is nicely arranged on a queue. And... Is that the minister of health I see on a queue there??
Flustered, I turn to the warden at the mall and ask, 'what's todays date please'?
And he replies, 'oga, na december 2010 we dey nah!?'. 'Next week na christmas'.
It can't be!!!
I rush to the restroom, stared at myself in the mirror and said, 'wakeup bro! This must be a dream'!
I gave myself a brisk slap on the face....and I felt something wet. I brought my hand to my face and I see a tiny black speckle and some red fluid.

It didn't take me long to realise...

Tiny black speckle equals dead mosquitoe, red fluid equals mixture of my sweat n blood.

I look around and the scene is now more familiar...

I'm on my bed,....the year is truly 2010 cos there is no power as usual,..

...I've not been thinking...



I've been dreaming!!